Crank

Year: 2006
Running time: 88 minutes
Certificate: 18
Language: English
Screenplay: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Directors: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart

Dave.

You're doing it wrong.

There isn't really much to say about Crank other than 'oh dear'. It is a genuinely interesting premise - an assassin named Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is poisoned by a rival and the only way to stay alive is to slow the poison by keeping his heart rate up and his adrenaline pumping. As a result he gets up to increasingly ridiculous things to keep the inevitable at bay. It's like Speed but in a human body. Unfortunately the execution is completely fluffed from the start and it looks like it was made on an even smaller budget that the modest one it was made on. It's further proof (in addition to the also terrible Transporter films) that Jason Statham has no business being an action hero and should have remained a cheeky cockney gangster. Obviously since Crank Statham has been relentlessly pursuing the goal of being the hardest action man in Hollywood and following his part in The Expendables may have finally achieved it, so although he'll always be Bacon (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) and Turkish (Snatch) to me, credit is due.

Shagging to stay alive.

The only reasons it scored any points at all are for the lingering shots of his at-home girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) in her lingerie (and yes, I know that is sexist and pervy but I'm struggling for nice things to say) and the stiffy joke half way through.

To sum up, Crank stank.

Score: 3/10

Rachel.

Crank is wank!

Score: 1/10

Erik at Cinemablend agrees, but Nick at Empire and I have a rare disagreement.